hey babe,
So I took Christys door off the hinges because she was being totally disrespectful. A couple of hours later she came walking out of her bathroom glaring at me while I was sitting on the couch. And I said" What the fuck are you looking at you want me to take your eyeballs too?!" Bahahahahahahaha I knew you would have gotten a kick out of that. I miss you so much Steven. Love me always xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

The first time we had seen each other in a year. I remember how nervous I was on the way to see you. I felt like I was gonna puke the whole ride. But as soon as you opened the door and grabbed me up in your arms it was like no time had past at all. I remember you brought me a plate of Koles food and only one fork! ( you had to have known that wasnt an option) when you reached for the fork I pulled away and told you to get your own, all the while stuffing my face... I can still see your face clear as day in my mind when you looked at me, smiled and said "shit like that is why I love you" I miss you so much Steven Downey. Love me always xoxoxoxoxoxox

So our anniversary is literally right around the corner... And to be completely honest, im totally dreading it. For 15 years we were together almost every day, but certainly EVERY 4th of July. Even this past 4th when we were going thru all that it was you who was sitting next to me in the truck. Steven please tell me how in the fuck I am supposed to get thru an entire lifetime like this?! I need you, Ive always needed you. Something happened the other day that really shook me. Christy fell asleep at my moms and left her phone laying around and of course Erin went thru it. She showed me a message that raised a red flag so I went to pick up the phone. While I was scrolling thru pics I came across a screenshot of a conversation between christy and and someone else... the other person said "leave me alone im at a funeral" and the response that came back from our daughters phone was " I hope whoever died a horrible death and rot in hell bitch..." " fuck you and your dead ass family member..." Steven you cant even understand what that does to my heart and my soul. The first thing that crossed my mind was Did she learn to be that heartlesss from watching me talk to you? How could she say something like that to someone after just losing her father herself?! What do I do?! How do I even approach the subject? You know how I am... I dont want to fly off the handle and be the bitch that I always am. I want her to know how wrong and completely unacceptable that was... I need you Steven, I need your level headedness and your old fashioned core values... I need your strength and courage right now. Help Me Babe.... Love me always xoxoxoxoxoxox

Hey you, I just wanted to tell you a few things so I can check em off my "list of things to tell Steven". So im not sure if I told you but Christy recently went thru a phase where she decided not to cuss or yell at me because she said it took her further away from God and being let into Heaven on Judgement Day. It didnt last long...lol she decided that rather than putting so much effort into being good and doing what others wanted her to do, it would simply be easier to do what she wanted because "you cant let the Devil know you're afraid of him." Oh god I laughed so hard when I heard that because it is soooooo Christy to say something like that. She has your spirit and your never back down type of attitude. I know you would have been so proud to hear her say it. The next thing I wanted to tell you about was the other night I was dying the girls hair purple and while I was rinsing out Christys in the sink she kept complaining about how the water was running down her forehead and I told her to stop whining and stay still. And when she wrapped the towel around her head I started to clean out the sink and she goes "MOOOMMMMAAA" the tone of her voice instantly irritated me and when I turned around to yell at her I busted up laughing... She had the brightest purple blob covering her forehead!!! LMAO she goes " r u stupid or are you stupid?!" Bahahahahahahahahahaha It was hilarious. I miss you the most when things like this happen because no matter what was going on between me and you when it came to the girls we were always on the same page. I dont have you to share these moments with anymore and it breaks my heart. The next thing I wanted to tell you was about how Christy was telling me that tomorrow she wanted me to take her to walmart to get some brown hair dye to cover the purple up and then she wanted me to buy her hair extensions. And I knew she wasnt asking she was TELLING me what was going to happen so I didnt even bother arguing with her I just patted her on the leg and said " ok we will do it tomorrow" and she smacks my hand away and says " dont pat me like were gonna do it!!!" hahahahahahaha it was too funny. And the last thing I wanted to tell you about was how I picked the size of your second village. I couldnt decide if I wanted to keep it the same size as what I already have or go smaller, but I was scrolling through google looking for little buildings for it and I came across this SEX SHOP in small scale. I searched for hours for something that was even in the same category as it but came up with nothing so small scale it is lol. When it got delivered to the office my mom was there and she opened it. She said as soon as she saw the word SEX she immediately closed the box and said "thats gotta be Ambers!" LMAO I knew you would love it. Im the only one who understands that I couldnt build you your own village without putting a sex store in it... hahahahahaha I miss you so much Steven. Your still my favorite everything and I will miss you for the rest of my life. Love me always, xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Hey Babe, Last night when I went to my moms to pick up the girls, she told me that they were at Erins. So I watched our show on the OWN channel and by the time it was over it was about 12:30am. I went to Erins to get them and Christy started whining that they wanted to stay. The feeling of uneasiness started to set in at the thought of going home alone. And I started to get upset. I told her NO a couple of times before I started to tear up and then just said fuck it love you goodnight... As I backed out of the driveway I could see Jade still standing there watching me speed away. I thought about stopping but I didnt. I know its childish of me to act this way, but I hate being alone at night and I cant seem to put my big girl panties on and get over it. When I got home, there was a couple of texts from Jade ( I knew there would be ). She said " Mommy, the only reason I wanted to stay was because Christy was staying. I know why you were crying, and I love you more than anybody in the world. How close are you to the house? Call me when you wake up love you bye." I broke down and started bawling. I hate that things are this way and that they have to worry about me and they cant just be kids. I hate that I cant be alone when the sun goes down anymore. I tell myself that the uneasy feeling is your spirit following so close that I can feel you. And I would rather have you close and be uneasy than not feel anything at all. Its just hard because I cant see you. You will ALWAYS have a place with me Steven... ALWAYS. So please dont ever think that it would be easier on everyone if you just backed off. I want you to stay. I love you and our girls love you, we all miss you so much it hurts our hearts everyday. Im never gonna get over this Steven. I heard a song the other day that said if I loved you like I miss you, If my world revolved around you like it does right now without you, you wouldnt be gone. It perfectly explains the situation. And again all I can say is im sorry. I will miss you for the rest of my life Steven Downey. Love me always xoxoxoxoxox

So I went to court yesterday and my case was dismissed. After I left there I went to get started on my next tattoo. He finished the bottom half of the sleeve for the most part. But im inlove with it already. My mom cried when she saw it. It hurt like hell alot more than the first one did. I dont know why but what makes it tolerable is trying to imagine what you were going thru even before that day. It kills me to think that I was so absorbed in myself that I let you suffer that alone. I loved you sooooo much more than that and I hate myself for letting you down. When im feeling physical pain now, I feel like I deserve it because of what I let you go thru alone. Im sorry Steven. Im so ashamed of the way I acted towards you in the months before you left. And that last day will be seared in my memory for the rest of my life. I can still see that look on your face that I always hated, as I pulled the front door closed. It was a look of pain and confusion... I would give anything to redo the last 5 minutes before I left that day. I would literally give my own life for it. Id give my own life in exchange for yours Steven. Im sorry, Im so sorry I wasnt who you needed to me to be in your darkest hour. You saved me everytime I asked you to, and I failed you. Im sorry babe, nothing will ever make this right, but for the rest of my days I will be sorry for turning my back on our love. Im sorry Steven Downey... Love me always xoxoxoxoxoxox

First time I have slept alone in my bed since you left.... the comfortable roomy mattress was completely lost on me. It was like my body was comfortable but my heart and mind were not. This made it impossible to sleep. So I did like I used to do when u went to Bakersfield for work, i put a pillowcase that smelled like you on my pillow and layed on it like it was your chest. Except back then I had u coming home to look forward to. I miss u Steven with all my heart. Love me always xoxoxoxoxox

Hey babe, i just wanted to tell you real quick that the girls were riding the go kart the other day and when we got back to the office jade goes " ummmmm christy you got a bean on your butt" as shes peelings Hershey wrapper off Christy's ass. A WHOLE Hershey bar melted to the butt of her shorts. Christy goes " shut up jade it's an ALMOND!" bahahahahaha... I wish u could have been there to laugh with me. I love you forever Steven. Love me always xoxoxoxo

hey babe, So jade was scrolling thru tik tok the other day, and she showed me a sparkling crystal rose. She told me that the last time she saw you you had showed her one online and told her that you knew I would really like something like that. That you were saving up money to get me one, and that you had already saved like 2 dollars towards it... It broke my heart, and I just wanted to say again that im sorry... Im sorry for turning bitter and im sorry for letting drugs cloud my vision and take me away from the Once in a lifetime love I had with you. I will always regret the way I treated you in those months before you left. I dont know what got into me, but I hope you know that the last person you knew me as when you were alive, is not the person I really was deep down. I hope you know that I love you with all my heart, and i never was and I never will be ashamed of the man you were. Im sorry from the bottom of my heart Steven. I love you and miss you every second of every day.... Love me always, xoxoxoxoxoxox

Hey you, it's a supermoon tonight. Just one of the many things that make me think of you. And as I was driving home from work I started thinking about what I was telling you a few days ago, about that panicky feeling I used to get when i would see you because i felt like i was losing you....and it occurred to me that all those times you tried to talk to me in the months before you left, that you could have been feeling that same panic. And my heart is breaking all over again. I hated that feeling more than anything in the world. It made me feel alone and scared like I didnt have a purpose or a future. Steven I would NEVER intentionally put that kinda misery on you. I'm soooooooo sorry for not taking the time to try and understand where you were coming from and how I was making you feel. You didnt deserve any of the shit that I threw at you. I was selfish and angry and mean... I'm sorry Steven, I'm sorry for all of it. And I hope that despite the outcome of the storm you can forgive me. I never meant for any of this to happen and I want you to know that I love you with my whole heart and you belonged with me and the girls. Our family isnt complete without you. I'm sorry Steven, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry... u are my favorite everything and when my heart stops beating and my time on earth is done I SWEAR I will make it up to you in our next life. I love you and I miss you so much it hurts. I'm sorry Love me always xoxoxoxoxoxoxox